WHEN FAITH FEELS FAKE
What is faith?
Hebrews 11:1 says, “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and the conviction of things not seen.” Beautiful, right? But what does that even mean in “real” life? It sounds poetic and good on paper, yet when you try to live it out, when hope feels delayed and the unseen stays unseen, it gets complicated.
I don’t know whether to say my faith has been tested or that I’ve finally gotten a glimpse of what it truly means. The past few weeks have been… unsettling. Not because I stopped believing, but because I started questioning what I actually believe about faith itself. You know those moments when you can quote every verse on trust, hope, and patience, yet none of them seem to make sense? When someone says, “It’ll make sense soon,” and you quietly think, “When exactly is soon?” That’s where I’ve been lately. Wrestling between what I know about God and what I feel about life. We often talk about faith like it’s steady. As if believing hard enough will make everything fall into place. But if we’re being real, sometimes faith shakes. Sometimes it looks less like “I believe” and more like “I’m trying not to give up.”
We say it all the time:
To the bereaved: “It’s God who gives and He takes.”
To the woman waiting for a child: “Give thanks in all circumstances.”
To the person who lost a business deal or scholarship: “God knows best.”
To the one who just lost money: “Let it go, God will provide.”
They’re meant to comfort, but sometimes they just don’t. Sometimes they sound like words written on a card for someone else’s pain, not yours.
One of my favorite stories about faith is that of the woman who suffered from hemorrhage for twelve years. What makes this story stand out to me isn’t just the miracle; it’s the waiting. Twelve years is a long time to endure this. Twelve years of pain, isolation, shame, and disappointments. Twelve years of watching life move on for everyone else. We celebrate the moment she touched the hem of Jesus’ robe, but we cannot simply imagine the years she held on before that moment. Maybe desperately trying to get cured, hoping against hope. Faith cannot be that easy and simple, is it?
What Is Your Bargaining Power?
At the beginning of this month, a friend of mine got frustrated and went so “hard” on God. Guess what she did! She told Him point-blank: “If You don’t act by December, You’re on Your own.” When she told me that, I gasped. It was funny too. How dare a mere human tell God He’s on His own! But the truth? That was how she felt, and she said it straight from her heart. Trying to be the spiritual voice of reason, I sent her the Bible verse I had read during my quiet time:
“But you must not lay down conditions for the Lord our God! Do you think that he is like one of us? Do you think you can bargain with him or force him to make a decision? No! Instead, we should ask God for his help and wait patiently for him to rescue us.”
Judith 8:16–17
See? I was so proud of myself for remembering that verse. Until about a week later, when I caught myself doing the same thing. It’s funny how quickly your perspective changes when you’re the one on the waiting end. I was so frustrated and angry with God such that in the night, I called for a meeting. I pulled a chair and imagined Him sitting across from me. I had questions. “Didn’t Your Word say…….? Didn’t You promise that………? Why are You so silent? Is it that You can’t hear me, or You just don’t want to help?” To sort of guilt trip God, I went ahead to quote Nehemiah 13:14 where Nehemiah said, “Remember this good deed, O my God, and do not forget all that I have faithfully done for the Temple of my God and its services” But honestly, I couldn’t even think of a single good deed worth mentioning. I had absolutely nothing to bargain with😁!
Then I remembered Hannah, who vowed that if God gave her a son, she would give him back to the Lord (1st Samuel11:1). I instantly changed the tactics and decided to make a promise to God, telling him if he answered my request, I was going to give him something in return. I said and did it all – pleaded, bargained, reasoned, argued. My prayers had not been answered based on the timelines I gave myself (read it as I gave God) but since I had made a promise to Him, I went to see a priest to talk about the conditions I’d given God. I was ready to fulfil my part. After speaking to the Priest, he smiled and said, “You have to learn to pray from your heart, not your head.” But those prayers and conditionalities were from my heart. It wasn’t logical, it wasn’t pretty, but it was mine. When you’re desperate, you don’t say polished prayers; it’s all about survival pleas. You negotiate! You plead! You bargain! Or?
Let be quick to say that though my prayers hadn’t been answered by then, I felt strangely at peace. My heart wasn’t heavy anymore. The questions stopped circling. It was quiet inside. It felt like the definition of “Peace in the midst of the storm”
Yes! No! It May be so!
Did I stop praying about the situation? Yes, I did. I had said enough. I’d talked, cried, bargained, and fulfilled my part of the “deal.” The rest was up to God. Was it the best thing to do? Honestly, I don’t know. This brings me to my next point.
People say, “Sometimes God’s silence is also an answer.” But is it really? Because how do we know if it’s a “NO”, a “WAIT”, or “A KEEP PRAYING TILL IT HAPPENS”? What if I give up because I thought His silence meant “no”, only to realize I was supposed to keep praying? Or what if I keep praying for something that’s been a no all along? We’re told to ask and we shall receive, to seek and we shall find, to knock and the door will be opened (Matt 7:7). But then, we’re also advised to end our prayers with, “Thy will be done.” So, which is which? Do I keep knocking or do I surrender? Do I persist or do I let go? It’s confusing! It’s exhausting. It’s not as easy as people make it sound. And honestly, this is where my faith gets tangled. I know God is sovereign. I know He is in heaven and He does whatever pleases Him (Psalm 115: 3; Psalm 135:6) but sometimes, I just wish He’d send an email to clarify His stance. Wouldn’t that be nice😉?
What is the practical definition of Faith?
I would love to know the practical definition of faith.
Maybe faith isn’t about never questioning.
Maybe faith isn’t about getting it right every time.
Maybe faith isn’t always loud. Sometimes, it’s just the quiet decision not to quit.
Maybe faith is learning to ask passionately but still humble enough to accept the response.
Maybe faith is praying even when the words feel empty.
Maybe faith is about staying close, even when everything feels wrong
Maybe faith is about trusting when the trust doesn’t even make sense
WHAT! IS! FAITH!?
I do not have the answers, but this reflection is my way of asking myself for grace. The grace not to be hard on myself. The grace to keep walking through the fog and keep believing when belief feels like a heavy lift. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that,
- Prayers work! Maybe not always the way we expect or within the timelines we set, but they do.
- Life can be tough, but we will get through. Nothing lasts forever… well except the word of God.
- Our lives cannot always be a triumphant shout of victory. Sometimes, it’s a weak, sober, frustrated whisper that says, “I’m still here, Lord… even if I don’t get it.”
To anyone who has and is wrestling with their emotions and questioning their faith like I am, this is for us. We will be fine. My prayer is that in our moments of despair, frustration, and confusion, God will grant us the strength to endure, and discernment to still find His hand, even when it feels far because His word assures us that, the “arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear”. (Isaiah 59:1)
I will end with the same words of the man in the Bible who cried out to Jesus with words that capture both belief and doubt in one breath:
“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.” – Mark 9:24
NB: GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS❤️😍❤️😍!!!
By Portia Anani
